Could we pay for a one-time love affair? That feeling of touching that makes us weak, falling in love for the first time.

 ***

Blur away, bruising sadness,

away, need no caress.

Heart torn, tears flow,

no more love to show.

Wasted whelp, affection hungry.

Loved and left behind,

myself meaningless anymore.

Now, stand strong, I shall.

Though not forgotten, I leave it all.

Fly sooner, it won't.

Find someone, you said.

Can anyone mean more than you?

Love comes. Love fades. 

***

We wonder. It's the key to a perfect discovery.

What makes us, humans, strong yet fragile, at the same time? Throwing words like knives and feeling like a shattered glass after. Crazy and pathetic, but reality.

A friend professed that we must own up the world. The world as our ultimate guide. The world as our freedom. The world as ours to live. True, BUT.

How do we detach ourselves from hesitations? There is no surety to everything. I am no risk taker in some aspects. Plan and it will follow. But how do we plan our life when we don't know what lies ahead? Gamble and there's a chance of winning. And losing. 

I've read the post over and over. I admired Dimwit in his accidental epiphany of trying to live life to the fullest. In a short time, I've rationalized that he is no weakling (despite his self-description to me) and has a better survival rate than me.

Positivity has always been my downside when it comes to personal matters. I detest looking forward to my "great and glorious future". Too many expectations, sometimes I cannot even handle. While writing this proclamation of my being a shameless coward, it rained. Heavy rains, at that. I felt the weight that I am putting unto myself. 

I should also make my own "Note to Self" and be reminded of a gift that I always deny. The gift of discernment. I think the One staring us from above gave us enough to judge our own, and to make our own. Though again, nothing is certain. But, eh, challenges have been here since time immemorial. It's just a matter of owning up to it.

READY? I think so. CHANGE? iBelieve. I feel metanoia now. All thanks to a note from someone who claims to be more broken than I am. 

But as a man living up to his life's prime, I've had my fair share of happiness. I am now at my early twenties, and still loveless. Tanong nga ng iba, "do you like someone?" Hahaha! Of course naman! I have this person I associate with the lines, "Something's telling me, it might be you."

But why stay single?

There are too many dramas na pwede gawing reasons on why remain single after twenty years. Akala ng iba, ang pagiging student leader ay katumbas na ng isang love guru: sumbungan at tagabigay ng advice. Nakakadeliver din naman ng mga magandang payo. But the pain they share, becomes a part of my own. You feel them, and you cry with them.

Putchang pag-ibig naman kasi. No certainty with it. Honestly, I am scared. Takot na takot. Tingin ko sa pag-ibig, may dalang sakit. Nakakahawa, yes. See the people around, with all the partners they flaunt to everyone? It only shows how they enjoy love. But the downside of it, most of those I know experience sadness and even depression. Ansaket. Potek na love 'yan! Walang forever. 

When you love, you open yourself to a whole new world. It's a different setting and new challenges await. By loving back someone, you remove the shroud covering your identity. Bare. Naked. Vulnerable. No more mystery, only the choice of life being happy or full of misery. 

One word for myself: duwag. I concede. I don't want to take my chances. But one thing my friends need to help me figure it out is, until when? Will there be a sign? How will I know? I only frustrate myself. I don't want to play by fire and get burned, but later also thought of its warmth.

And here I am, waiting for my love to be chained with me for a lifetime. The one that George Duke sings, Born to Love You. Then maybe that time, I'll have it all and make it possible.

(laking pasalamat ko po sa Spotify na nagpa-alab sa aking natutulog na duwag na damdamin. nagyon, duwag pa rin at nag-aantay ng senyales)

A lot of people nowadays confidently boast the number of people that are willing to be around them. The so-called relationship of friendship has become a common term that its definition had quite become vague. Friends, easily associated due to social media relations.

Not so long ago, in a not distant past, we had tasted how to earn real friendships. Just like courting, we had to accept rejections and criticisms from the process, but acquiring one friend out of the large flock feels like a bittersweet victory. A fact that all of us may agree, all of us had a special friend in every stage of our life.

I can still count my friends and remember them by name. Some may have faded away due to indifference or took separate journeys. Maybe it is my fault. I can easily be befriended but there's more to it than what everyone can see. Trust is important. As what Revenge's Victoria Grayson said, "Trust is a luxury I cannot afford."

After writing the three paragraphs above, I asked myself: Why am I writing this section? Do I have any point to prove? I think none at all. I just feel alone sometimes by shying away myself from others. And sometimes we had to smile despite what we feel inside. Can I find how to open myself again?

My college life primarily started maybe on wrong footing and later on directed my attention to service, even above self to correct the mistake. I was wrong. It was even a road less traveled, a journey of detachment. Truth be told, I hated rejection, With that came my fear of failure. Am I competitive? In a way, yes. But the deepest realization I got from my recently ended chapter was I ended up alone.

I sought solace by seeking new friends. And I did. But I am torn. Am I just too presumptive in achieving company with them? I thought, what if I am asserting myself to them too much?  People are starting to misconstrue my actions, making it unpalatable for me to accept. Tagged as someone who felt close to almost everyone, but then again, I accepted it. If it is a price for me to pay for achieving  real friendships, it may be worth it.

Here, now. Too much drama. I can now remember someone who'll say that I am now over acting. Maybe. But deep inside, all is unstable. Though I find myself funny sometimes too, but the irregularity of my feelings is too ingrained. I am hoping I can root it out and kill it by drying it in a pike. Bloody as it may seems, the fluctuating emotions keeps me on leash by something within an invisible shroud.

This is just a test of time, says myself to myself. The people I just met in the recent months are very receptive. I found myself now after writing this that I was not alone but lonely, with the feeling that no one cares. But it's a poison pill. And I found my antidote: friends.

With friends, of which I hope they too consider me as one, I felt not alone anymore. I realized that there is more to others' problem and that there are more broken hearts in the world left unattended and can't be mended. Compared to that, my loneliness is a just a scratch in the elbow. The past months taught me to live life abundantly through love and laughter. And loneliness is a just a balloon that needs to be let go.