Could we pay for a one-time love affair? That feeling of touching that makes us weak, falling in love for the first time.

 ***

Blur away, bruising sadness,

away, need no caress.

Heart torn, tears flow,

no more love to show.

Wasted whelp, affection hungry.

Loved and left behind,

myself meaningless anymore.

Now, stand strong, I shall.

Though not forgotten, I leave it all.

Fly sooner, it won't.

Find someone, you said.

Can anyone mean more than you?

Love comes. Love fades. 

***

We wonder. It's the key to a perfect discovery.

What makes us, humans, strong yet fragile, at the same time? Throwing words like knives and feeling like a shattered glass after. Crazy and pathetic, but reality.

A friend professed that we must own up the world. The world as our ultimate guide. The world as our freedom. The world as ours to live. True, BUT.

How do we detach ourselves from hesitations? There is no surety to everything. I am no risk taker in some aspects. Plan and it will follow. But how do we plan our life when we don't know what lies ahead? Gamble and there's a chance of winning. And losing. 

I've read the post over and over. I admired Dimwit in his accidental epiphany of trying to live life to the fullest. In a short time, I've rationalized that he is no weakling (despite his self-description to me) and has a better survival rate than me.

Positivity has always been my downside when it comes to personal matters. I detest looking forward to my "great and glorious future". Too many expectations, sometimes I cannot even handle. While writing this proclamation of my being a shameless coward, it rained. Heavy rains, at that. I felt the weight that I am putting unto myself. 

I should also make my own "Note to Self" and be reminded of a gift that I always deny. The gift of discernment. I think the One staring us from above gave us enough to judge our own, and to make our own. Though again, nothing is certain. But, eh, challenges have been here since time immemorial. It's just a matter of owning up to it.

READY? I think so. CHANGE? iBelieve. I feel metanoia now. All thanks to a note from someone who claims to be more broken than I am. 

But as a man living up to his life's prime, I've had my fair share of happiness. I am now at my early twenties, and still loveless. Tanong nga ng iba, "do you like someone?" Hahaha! Of course naman! I have this person I associate with the lines, "Something's telling me, it might be you."

But why stay single?

There are too many dramas na pwede gawing reasons on why remain single after twenty years. Akala ng iba, ang pagiging student leader ay katumbas na ng isang love guru: sumbungan at tagabigay ng advice. Nakakadeliver din naman ng mga magandang payo. But the pain they share, becomes a part of my own. You feel them, and you cry with them.

Putchang pag-ibig naman kasi. No certainty with it. Honestly, I am scared. Takot na takot. Tingin ko sa pag-ibig, may dalang sakit. Nakakahawa, yes. See the people around, with all the partners they flaunt to everyone? It only shows how they enjoy love. But the downside of it, most of those I know experience sadness and even depression. Ansaket. Potek na love 'yan! Walang forever. 

When you love, you open yourself to a whole new world. It's a different setting and new challenges await. By loving back someone, you remove the shroud covering your identity. Bare. Naked. Vulnerable. No more mystery, only the choice of life being happy or full of misery. 

One word for myself: duwag. I concede. I don't want to take my chances. But one thing my friends need to help me figure it out is, until when? Will there be a sign? How will I know? I only frustrate myself. I don't want to play by fire and get burned, but later also thought of its warmth.

And here I am, waiting for my love to be chained with me for a lifetime. The one that George Duke sings, Born to Love You. Then maybe that time, I'll have it all and make it possible.

(laking pasalamat ko po sa Spotify na nagpa-alab sa aking natutulog na duwag na damdamin. nagyon, duwag pa rin at nag-aantay ng senyales)

A lot of people nowadays confidently boast the number of people that are willing to be around them. The so-called relationship of friendship has become a common term that its definition had quite become vague. Friends, easily associated due to social media relations.

Not so long ago, in a not distant past, we had tasted how to earn real friendships. Just like courting, we had to accept rejections and criticisms from the process, but acquiring one friend out of the large flock feels like a bittersweet victory. A fact that all of us may agree, all of us had a special friend in every stage of our life.

I can still count my friends and remember them by name. Some may have faded away due to indifference or took separate journeys. Maybe it is my fault. I can easily be befriended but there's more to it than what everyone can see. Trust is important. As what Revenge's Victoria Grayson said, "Trust is a luxury I cannot afford."

After writing the three paragraphs above, I asked myself: Why am I writing this section? Do I have any point to prove? I think none at all. I just feel alone sometimes by shying away myself from others. And sometimes we had to smile despite what we feel inside. Can I find how to open myself again?

My college life primarily started maybe on wrong footing and later on directed my attention to service, even above self to correct the mistake. I was wrong. It was even a road less traveled, a journey of detachment. Truth be told, I hated rejection, With that came my fear of failure. Am I competitive? In a way, yes. But the deepest realization I got from my recently ended chapter was I ended up alone.

I sought solace by seeking new friends. And I did. But I am torn. Am I just too presumptive in achieving company with them? I thought, what if I am asserting myself to them too much?  People are starting to misconstrue my actions, making it unpalatable for me to accept. Tagged as someone who felt close to almost everyone, but then again, I accepted it. If it is a price for me to pay for achieving  real friendships, it may be worth it.

Here, now. Too much drama. I can now remember someone who'll say that I am now over acting. Maybe. But deep inside, all is unstable. Though I find myself funny sometimes too, but the irregularity of my feelings is too ingrained. I am hoping I can root it out and kill it by drying it in a pike. Bloody as it may seems, the fluctuating emotions keeps me on leash by something within an invisible shroud.

This is just a test of time, says myself to myself. The people I just met in the recent months are very receptive. I found myself now after writing this that I was not alone but lonely, with the feeling that no one cares. But it's a poison pill. And I found my antidote: friends.

With friends, of which I hope they too consider me as one, I felt not alone anymore. I realized that there is more to others' problem and that there are more broken hearts in the world left unattended and can't be mended. Compared to that, my loneliness is a just a scratch in the elbow. The past months taught me to live life abundantly through love and laughter. And loneliness is a just a balloon that needs to be let go. 

Some people find me a bit snobbish. Some say that I am too suplado looking. But one thing that people don't find in their first impressions of me: I am weird.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan minsan ang sarili ko. I oftentimes find myself self-pitying over nonsense things. Naisip ko nga, is something wrong with me?

Nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako habang nagsusulat kung dapat ko bang isalaysay ang karanasan ko sa mga nagdaang araw. Mahadlok ko ba na malaman ko na ako pala ay may topak o pagka-boang. *laughs while writing this portion*

Minsan nadadamay ko ang mga kaibigan ko sa pagka-negative ng aking pag-iisip. I had spent countless times of walking around the city proper just to clear my mind, ride jeepneys over and over the same route or magtambay sa ibabang sapa ng Mimbalot Falls. I have this sentiment within that even I cannot express nor put into words.

I thought: Mahirap pala talaga mapag-iwanan. Though I am not yet completely alone, but the thought occurred to me in the most frightful feeling it could ever be. May mga bagay talaga na di magawa-gawang ishare sa iba. Nahihiya o natatakot? Pati ako, hindi ko alam. 

One of the real roots, after a careful throwback of memories, maybe is that people look up to me as who they wanted me to be. Matapos ang matagal na panahon na hindi ako naging ako, it was hard for me to go back. It's not that I pretended to be a different person, pero masyado akong nabalot sa iisang bahagi ng aking pagkatao and that made people generalize me as who really I am.

Natatakot akong bumalik sa dati. The old me was quite an adventure seeker and not the leader and high man that people see me as who I am now. Even when I am writing this, it occurred to me if it will really be okay to post this on my blog. Baka isipin nila may pagka psycho na ako or whatsoever, pero hahahaha, I just really wanted to write my thoughts now.

Nagsimula kasi sa pagtingin ng mga tao. I really see that I belong in a society which is way too judgmental, and gaining a positive outlook entails many restrictions. Masyado lang siguro akong perfectionist o nakatali sa sosyokultural na aspeto. Because of that build-up, mahirap bumitiw dahil baka na rin nakasanayan ko na at dala na rin ng takot sa pagbabago.

I have friends who were irritated of my recent actions. Irrational, unpredictable o boang ang kadalasang bulyaw nila sa akin. Pati ako, naisip ko din, ano ba talaga ang hinanap ko? What am I supposed to do?

After all of this pagmumuni-muni at pagbalik-tanaw, one thing was common to all of this. I found solace with my friends. Nagtaka siguro ang iba kung bakit naghahanap ako halos araw-araw. But I realized also, I cannot squeeze myself everyday. They have a life also, with or without me. 

It was also a turning point of realizing that of all the names you've known, only a few remains. Maihahalintulad lang ang listahan ng kaibigan sa isang class list: lahat nakakaenroll pero may pumapasa at bumabagsak. 

Sa lahat ng ito, masaklap maranasan when you reach that point of realization and seeing how you've invested much on a wrong person. Pero lahat naman tayo may pagsubok, at ito baka ang isa sa akin: how to stay sane despite my insane thoughts.

"I can get over this", says my leader side. "I have been in much worse situations."

But Mr. Other Side says: "Mahirap. Pero tingnan natin"

Though one thing is for sure, mawala ra ni. Naa lang siguro panahon na muabot ang pagka abnoy sa utok ug kasing-kasing. Ang pagmaoy, normal kana. Kung madugay na gali, see a doctor for a prescription.