A lot of people nowadays confidently boast the number of people that are willing to be around them. The so-called relationship of friendship has become a common term that its definition had quite become vague. Friends, easily associated due to social media relations.

Not so long ago, in a not distant past, we had tasted how to earn real friendships. Just like courting, we had to accept rejections and criticisms from the process, but acquiring one friend out of the large flock feels like a bittersweet victory. A fact that all of us may agree, all of us had a special friend in every stage of our life.

I can still count my friends and remember them by name. Some may have faded away due to indifference or took separate journeys. Maybe it is my fault. I can easily be befriended but there's more to it than what everyone can see. Trust is important. As what Revenge's Victoria Grayson said, "Trust is a luxury I cannot afford."

After writing the three paragraphs above, I asked myself: Why am I writing this section? Do I have any point to prove? I think none at all. I just feel alone sometimes by shying away myself from others. And sometimes we had to smile despite what we feel inside. Can I find how to open myself again?

My college life primarily started maybe on wrong footing and later on directed my attention to service, even above self to correct the mistake. I was wrong. It was even a road less traveled, a journey of detachment. Truth be told, I hated rejection, With that came my fear of failure. Am I competitive? In a way, yes. But the deepest realization I got from my recently ended chapter was I ended up alone.

I sought solace by seeking new friends. And I did. But I am torn. Am I just too presumptive in achieving company with them? I thought, what if I am asserting myself to them too much?  People are starting to misconstrue my actions, making it unpalatable for me to accept. Tagged as someone who felt close to almost everyone, but then again, I accepted it. If it is a price for me to pay for achieving  real friendships, it may be worth it.

Here, now. Too much drama. I can now remember someone who'll say that I am now over acting. Maybe. But deep inside, all is unstable. Though I find myself funny sometimes too, but the irregularity of my feelings is too ingrained. I am hoping I can root it out and kill it by drying it in a pike. Bloody as it may seems, the fluctuating emotions keeps me on leash by something within an invisible shroud.

This is just a test of time, says myself to myself. The people I just met in the recent months are very receptive. I found myself now after writing this that I was not alone but lonely, with the feeling that no one cares. But it's a poison pill. And I found my antidote: friends.

With friends, of which I hope they too consider me as one, I felt not alone anymore. I realized that there is more to others' problem and that there are more broken hearts in the world left unattended and can't be mended. Compared to that, my loneliness is a just a scratch in the elbow. The past months taught me to live life abundantly through love and laughter. And loneliness is a just a balloon that needs to be let go.