Some people find me a bit snobbish. Some say that I am too suplado looking. But one thing that people don't find in their first impressions of me: I am weird.
Hindi ko rin maintindihan minsan ang sarili ko. I oftentimes find myself self-pitying over nonsense things. Naisip ko nga, is something wrong with me?
Nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako habang nagsusulat kung dapat ko bang isalaysay ang karanasan ko sa mga nagdaang araw. Mahadlok ko ba na malaman ko na ako pala ay may topak o pagka-boang. *laughs while writing this portion*
Minsan nadadamay ko ang mga kaibigan ko sa pagka-negative ng aking pag-iisip. I had spent countless times of walking around the city proper just to clear my mind, ride jeepneys over and over the same route or magtambay sa ibabang sapa ng Mimbalot Falls. I have this sentiment within that even I cannot express nor put into words.
I thought: Mahirap pala talaga mapag-iwanan. Though I am not yet completely alone, but the thought occurred to me in the most frightful feeling it could ever be. May mga bagay talaga na di magawa-gawang ishare sa iba. Nahihiya o natatakot? Pati ako, hindi ko alam.
One of the real roots, after a careful throwback of memories, maybe is that people look up to me as who they wanted me to be. Matapos ang matagal na panahon na hindi ako naging ako, it was hard for me to go back. It's not that I pretended to be a different person, pero masyado akong nabalot sa iisang bahagi ng aking pagkatao and that made people generalize me as who really I am.
Natatakot akong bumalik sa dati. The old me was quite an adventure seeker and not the leader and high man that people see me as who I am now. Even when I am writing this, it occurred to me if it will really be okay to post this on my blog. Baka isipin nila may pagka psycho na ako or whatsoever, pero hahahaha, I just really wanted to write my thoughts now.
Nagsimula kasi sa pagtingin ng mga tao. I really see that I belong in a society which is way too judgmental, and gaining a positive outlook entails many restrictions. Masyado lang siguro akong perfectionist o nakatali sa sosyokultural na aspeto. Because of that build-up, mahirap bumitiw dahil baka na rin nakasanayan ko na at dala na rin ng takot sa pagbabago.
I have friends who were irritated of my recent actions. Irrational, unpredictable o boang ang kadalasang bulyaw nila sa akin. Pati ako, naisip ko din, ano ba talaga ang hinanap ko? What am I supposed to do?
After all of this pagmumuni-muni at pagbalik-tanaw, one thing was common to all of this. I found solace with my friends. Nagtaka siguro ang iba kung bakit naghahanap ako halos araw-araw. But I realized also, I cannot squeeze myself everyday. They have a life also, with or without me.
It was also a turning point of realizing that of all the names you've known, only a few remains. Maihahalintulad lang ang listahan ng kaibigan sa isang class list: lahat nakakaenroll pero may pumapasa at bumabagsak.
Sa lahat ng ito, masaklap maranasan when you reach that point of realization and seeing how you've invested much on a wrong person. Pero lahat naman tayo may pagsubok, at ito baka ang isa sa akin: how to stay sane despite my insane thoughts.
"I can get over this", says my leader side. "I have been in much worse situations."
But Mr. Other Side says: "Mahirap. Pero tingnan natin"
Though one thing is for sure, mawala ra ni. Naa lang siguro panahon na muabot ang pagka abnoy sa utok ug kasing-kasing. Ang pagmaoy, normal kana. Kung madugay na gali, see a doctor for a prescription.
